Recently, I leaped and believed in myself. To be very transparent it’s been so liberating yet unnerving. Taking a risk and trusting in yourself is scary. Do you ever feel like it’s time to be chancy and make a real change for your future? That’s how I felt. It was time to leave my 9 to 5 job and show what I can do by being a contractor. Thankfully, it’s been fruitful. With it all falling in place it’s made me feel quite nostalgic about how I got here. In addition to that, I learned who I am and my abilities. This journey, at moments, has been a struggle, and imposter syndrome was living its best life in my head. Moving into this new space of confidence and strength, I wanted to share my journey with you. My wish is this story inspires someone to take their own type of leap or when in low moments that those experiences do not define them.
At the start of college, I went up to one of my professors and simply asked, “Okay, I want to get out of here in four years and I hate writing. What major will get me out ‘on time’ with the least amount of writing?” She smirked and told me to choose the degree I ended up graduating in. Luckily, I did graduate on time but I also did end up writing a lot. Honestly, my thoughts about writing equated to being smart and capable and I didn’t feel I fit either of those. That was my narrative because I struggled in high school and college. I mean I seriously struggled with showing up to class on time and completing my assignments. The first two years of college were a scramble for me just to maintain decent grades. I was able to connect and talk to others but classwork felt like I was having to swim up a tree. I saw others thriving in this space as I stayed stuck, or at least that’s how it felt. I began having unhealthy self-talk about how I wasn’t capable and I’d probably never be. As this became my truth there was a pivotal moment.
While being one of the event coordinators for the Student Council for my college I got inspired to run as one of the executive members for junior year. I reached out to the candidate I knew was running and asked for the opportunity to run with her. She was kind but honest and said, “Hey, you’re a great person but not what I’m looking for.” At that moment hearing a no, I began reverting right into those unhealthy thoughts. To me that made sense, how could I think I would be good enough for that. While listening to this narrative, about a week later one of my friends asked me, “How would you feel about running with me as my vice president?” Vice president?! Did she ask the right person? Does she seriously think I am capable? I was stunned and doubtful (regarding my capabilities) but at that moment I realized she believed in me so I needed to step up. Fortunately, after a tough campaign, our executive board won. I was the vice president, and that year we ended up getting two awards. My junior year was my most productive year and my best grades. I share this moment because this scenario has happened many times in my life. Well, half of it. It’s the scenario where I want to leap, I hear the no I anticipated and I don’t get an immediate yes or opportunity to follow. Hearing the no became a way to nurture that unhealthy self-talk. The dynamic of struggling with my value, worthiness, and capability was the norm. A year after serving as vice president I was back to struggling academically, mentally, emotionally, and left out of college not knowing where I would be. And I’ve had a few more in between then and now. During each low, I felt it proved to me I needed to continue nurturing the no and second-guessing myself. If you’re getting concerned that this is getting dark, I am going to bring us back into the light soon. But sometimes we need to go into the dark to see the light.
I loved counting myself out before someone else could. What was even worse was when someone else counted me out it almost felt satisfying like, “Ha! See, you’re not enough.” My narrative of self-worth and self-value was quite distorted. That affected me in so many ways from relationships to my professional experiences. At some point, I was sick and tired of it. Also, a friend and owner of a gym told me, “Marrelle, you’re blocking yourself. Stop, and be the great person you can be.” Hearing that from someone I respected and being tired of always feeling lousy it was time to wake myself up. Now, I bet someone can relate to this story of nurturing the belittling traits. Because I have met a few people who struggle with imposter syndrome or constantly doubting themselves. And I am here to wake you up. It’s time to change your narrative. And how do we do this? Here are a few ways that we can nurture empowering traits.
Therapy can literally change your life. Whether it’s a small issue or healing from past traumas, therapy can give you the tools to combat your mental constraints. I will sing it until the cows come home and I don’t live near cows so it might be a minute. The tough part about therapy is there aren’t always the most affordable methods but here’s a source to help with that. One of the best places is 7 Cups which has very, and I mean very affordable rates. They have support groups and therapy sessions. There’s also, Open Path, which is also a great possible resource. There are also some cool counseling applications like Talkspace and BetterHelp you can use. Both have possibly lowered payment plans. Sometimes it’s not the price of the therapy but nerves or narratives we’ve told ourselves. Well, I am here to tell you, that it takes a lot of strength to speak our pains out and heal. But sometimes we need that to move forward.
Those who are in your tribe will impact you and your thoughts. Not to say they must affect you but they can. Whether that’s your friend group, family, your life partner, or all of the above the words or their treatment of you can influence your self-talk and decisions. Be sure to choose your tribe carefully. Neither time nor blood bond is enough for you to be treated poorly or put into a toxic situation. On the opposite side of that, your tribe can empower you to see your light and thrive. My fiance, Jonathan is one of the huge reasons I decided to believe in myself. I had someone to remind me every step of the way just how capable I am. In moments of fear his hugs and uplifting talks kept me going. Seeing him have faith in me gave me so much of my strength to leap. In addition, my best friends and family were there cheering me on in my low moments throughout life when I felt hopeless. My tribe gave me the push, honesty, and care to see the light that was meant to shine. I hope you either have that or take the steps to build that for yourself. By the way, if we aren’t friends, consider us one now!
As much as I had Jonathan elevating me, I also had to believe it. For long-term success, we can’t solely rely on others’ beliefs in us to carry us through. Not every moment will be pretty or fall into place and you have to be there for yourself to keep pushing forward. What you tell yourself, whether others can hear you or not will make or break you. Toxic thoughts will come bombarding in, in those moments acknowledge the thought but you tell it and yourself that it holds no power in this space and bye-bye. You can nurture the thoughts that feed you. So choose wisely.
This is the most vulnerable or transparent I’ve been but I hope this resonates with someone. If you need someone to kick off this new space of nurturing health and supportive self-talk and thoughts. I want you to know you are WORTHY, VALUABLE, CAPABLE, and YOU BELONG. Your light is unique, needed, and the world wants to see it. So shine your light as bright as you can.
